starring:  Arnold Schwartzenegger, George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Michael Gough I, Pat Hingle, Elle MacPherson, Coolio
directed by:  Ed Wood Joel Schumacher                    produced by:  Peter MacGregor-Scott
written by: Akiva Goldsman




"Please say you're looking for me!"


               WHAT'S IT ABOUT

Ed Wood pits Batman in a flourescent world of grit and humor...(What?   Ed Wood didn't direct this film?  Really?  He's dead?  Damn.   Then who made this film?? Joel Schumacher?  Really? Huh!  I mean, it was sooo bad I thought only someone like Ed Wood could have made this film.)  Ok.   Back to what the film is about.......

Joel Schumacher recreates Gotham city into a giant flourescent world where statues are almost as large as Clooney's ego and villains dress in black light reactive make-up.  Batman must face-off with two villains (again) and fight off his arrogance (impossible if Clooney's playing him) to save Gotham from certain doom when Mr. Freeze (possibly his worst film ever, even worse than THE LAST ACTION HERO! ) threatens to freeze the city if he doesn't get his ransom.   Helped by Poison Ivy (bad acting by vivacious Uma Thurman but tolerable since she's so damn sexy) who believes that a world without people will make it safe for plants to thrive and she wants to rule the lifeless world covered in plants with Mr Freeze.   (Huh??  I thought plants require heat and sunlight to thrive and Mr. Freeze requires cold to thrive? Won't they cancel each other out??)

OK.  I guess the true message to give in this part of the review "WHAT'S IT ABOUT?"  I don't know what it's about.  I really don't know.  If you have any idea what this film was about, please email it to me.


                     MY THOUGHTS

It's a good thing I didn't have any sharp objects near me when I saw this film.   I think I would have committed sicide. Honest!  If I had seen this in the theatre one of two things would have happened: One - I would have walked out on this film.   (and I never walk out of a film! I didn't even walk out of KULL THE CONQUERER, and that film was horrible! the only thing that saved KULL was the closing credits!)   or TWO - I would have gone postal and killed everyone in the theatre and then myself making it the first film to force someone to perform mass murder. 

Despite all the bad press, the fact that Schumacher destroyed the franchise and my preconceptions of this film - I still prayed for a good film that I would find myself enjoying!  (Hey, I actually enjoyed SPICEWORLD, so there's hope. Right?   RIGHT???) 

In less than 20 minutes after the film started I had feelings of suicide.   I didn't want to live anymore!  Robin burst througha door on his bike and the hole was shaped like the Robin symbol.  (???)  Two dozen bad guys  burst into the museum in hockey gear (Batman didn't see these goons when he broke in to stop Freeze?)   The acrobatics were impossible even for Robin who is an acrobat.   IMPOSSIBLE I TELL YOU!!!!!!!  (You don't flip across a room from a standing position and flip once, then fly the rest of the way in a standing position!)   (Where's my knife?  Where is it!!!!!!)  Mr. Freeze's puns were horrendous!  Arnold just isn't a punster.  Only Jim Carey's Riddler could pull that off or even DeVito's Penguin.  When Batman was about to die in that flying bomb, I was screaming, "I hope Batman dies!  I hope he dies!!"  (A plastic fork!  I'll use a plastic fork to kill myself!!  Ungh!  No good! It broke!   Help! I need to kill myself!!!!!!!)  Then I saw Robin being frozen by Freeze and I screamed, "I hope Robin dies!  Die damn you!!!" 

There is no justice in this film. Neither Clooney nor O'Connel died in this film.  *Sigh* there's always next time.   There were three villains in this film actually - George Clooney, Chris O'Donnel and Joel Schumacher.  Schumacher is the Kingpin of the three.  Gotham hs much to fear with these three "protecting" it.  Since when does Batman make wise??  Since BATMAN FOREVER.  I tolerated that film.  But I should have seen the beginning of the end.  We all should have, most of all - Warner Bros. should have seen the beginning of the Dark Knight's doom!  Batman smiled in the last film!  Smiled!   Sorry, Bruce Wayne rarely smile, and now we have the Bat Blunder smiling??   Yuck!!!  So what do we get in this film?  The Bat Wonderless saying that Poison Ivy has nice "buds."  (True, she does..but do we really need this anatomically correct costumed jerk to tell us that?

Only one thing will ever allow us, the real Bat Fans to forgive WB for this film - KILL Schumacher!!!!!!

                            MY RATING

If you love yourself or others...don't rent this film. Don't buy it. And sure as hell don't mention the name Joel Schumacher to anyone who is mentally unstable.   My only regret in society is that the Unibomber was captured.  Only he could save us from Schumacher's crimes against humanity.  I mean, if the Unibomber killed Schumacher, then the U.S. Government would probably have forgiven all his past crimes and hail this man as a hero! 

So, in case I didn't make my point clear -- DON'T SEE THIS FILM else fear the wrath of God!